My Story
by eparkin23
Summary: It is difficult to explain the story with only 338 characters remaining! It takes place some time after 5X10. With themes of friendship, family, pregnancy and the process of grieving and moving on. *Rizzles* (as requested), slow burn. Give it a chance, I hope you won't regret it. N.B. Flashbacks are written in italics. Rated T (just to be cautious really!)
1. My Story

I'm lying in a bed. There is a commotion going on around me but I am too distracted, too heartbroken to notice. I realise that this moment, is the moment my whole world will collapse. All too suddenly, everything I know, everything I love has irrevocably changed. But this is not where my story begins.

_"How could I have been so stupid? I should have noticed. I am the chief medical examiner of the commonwealth of Massachusetts. I should have noticed this."__I berated myself. _

_I, Maura Isles, should have indeed been able to detect that I was pregnant. Not only am I a doctor, I am a woman. I know my body better than anyone. Yes, I could not objectively evaluate the situation, however it was obvious. _

_Firstly, I was late. I am never late. I attributed the delay in my menstrual cycle to stress. I think unconsciously I knew that there was more to it, I just wasn't ready to accept it. _

_Another tell-tale sign was that I kept snapping at Angela and she really didn't deserve it. She was just performing her usual routine, but for some reason her presence infuriated me. I felt smothered. Figuratively speaking, I was saved by a phone call, summoning me to a crime scene. _

_Once I arrived, I was greeted by Jane and the unmistakable stench of a decomposing body. I had both seen and smelt much worse than this, yet I struggled to fight the urge to vomit. I ran as fast as I possibly could in my stiletto heels, mentally cursing Jane for being right about wearing inappropriate footwear to a crime scene. I made sure I was out of sight before proceeding to expel the contents of my stomach. I had hoped that my sudden spell of nausea had gone unnoticed, but Jane knew instantly. I felt her place a gentle hand on my back. She began to rub in circular motions and whispered in dulcet tones, trying to soothe me. After ensuring that I had finished, Jane handed me a bottle of water. _

_"Here; drink this, you'll feel better. I still have some of Frost's breath mints in the car." _

_She gently guided me to her car. _

_Unsure of what to say, or how to thank her, I began by saying "those breath mints-" _

_"Are probably out of date, I know, but I haven't had the heart to throw them out" Jane interrupted. _

_I looked into her eyes. I could see clearly the pain caused by Barry's death. Jane may act tough but I can see right through her stony facade. She believes that showing emotion makes her weak. It doesn't, it makes her human. Jane Rizzoli is the strongest person I know, emotional or not. _

_"Actually, what I was going to say is that those breath mints sound really good right now!" I interjected. _

_She laughed, nudging her shoulder against mine. Jane opened the door for me and gestured towards the passenger seat. _

_"What about the victim? I haven't had the chance to conduct the preliminary examination of the body yet." I exclaimed. _

_I have never been one to let personal circumstances get in the way of me doing my job. Jane knelt down and looked me in the eye. _

_"Maura, you're sick. I know you want to help but it is important you get better. I had Korsak call Pike the second I saw the colour drain from your face! I'm taking you home-" _

_"But-" I interjected again, only for Jane to chime in "no buts." _

_She looked at me and I folded my arms, let out a sigh and noted the involuntarily furrowing of my brow. I felt like a child being scolded by their parent. At least, that's what I imagined it would feel like. Jane got in the car and began to drive. We remained in silence for what felt like eternity but couldn't have been for more than five minutes. _

_"But what about my car?" I quickly spluttered._

_"I'll take care of that. You just focus on getting better." Jane explained lovingly. _

_"I actually feel much better now. I don't know what came over me. The last time I suffered from emesis, I was in college!" _

_I chuckled and glanced over at Jane. The confusion was written all over her features. She pulled over as soon as it was safe to do so. _

_"Emesis means-" I began to explain. _

_"I know what it means, Maura. It means vomiting." _

_Sensing the annoyance in Jane's voice, I thought it best to question her confusion. _

_"If you knew what emesis meant, why did you look so confused?" _

_"Isn't it obvious Maura? You were sick at a crime scene, my mother keeps ranting about your recent mood swings..." __She looked at me, searching for some kind of recognition before continuing. "Maura, I think you're pregnant." _

_Unsure of the correct way to behave in such a situation, I laughed again. _

_"I'm not pregnant Jane." _

_Jane looked hurt and pain glazed her eyes once again. _

_"Are you sure? Have you taken a test? Maura, not long ago I was experiencing the same symptoms as you-" her voice broke. _

_She had barely spoken about her miscarriage, yet it was evident that it still plagued her. I felt my eyes well up and I was unable to prevent the single tear from escaping. _

_"I can't be pregnant, Jane." _

_I looked away. Even Jane's untrained eye could diagnose me. The realisation dawned on me; Jane was right. I, Maura Isles, was pregnant. I began to sob uncontrollably. Jane instantly embraced me, holding me closely to stop me from shaking. _

_"It's going to be okay, Maura. You are not alone in this." _

_I knew she was referring to my recent breakup with Jack. He accused me of putting my work before him and he was right. Before Jane, my work was the only relationship that has remained constant. I had trouble letting that go; my job meant everything to me. Well, almost everything. I was jolted back to the present when Jane began repeating my name. _

_"Maura, did you hear me?" _

_I looked at her and shook my head. "Sorry" I mumbled. _

_"It's okay, Maura. I was just saying that I think we should stop at the pharmacy on the way home. You can wait in the car and I'll pick up a couple of tests."_

_ I was so grateful to have a friend like Jane. I never thought I would be so lucky. My whole life, I had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships. Jane was the only person who had ever tried to get to know me, the person behind the Google-mouth and designer clothes, the real me. She was the only person I'd ever let in. _

_"Thank you, Jane. For everything." _

_"That's what friends are for." She replied nonchalantly. _

_The rest of the journey was a blur. I couldn't remember Jane stopping at the pharmacy, or pulling into my drive for that matter. She got out of the car and then helped me to my feet. I was somewhat unsteady and thankful to have Jane at my side. She was always there to catch me. I rummaged through my purse, fumbling for my keys. _

_"Dammit" I exclaimed. _

_"Here, let me." Jane stated as she took my purse. _

_She found my keys instantly. She unlocked the door and guided me to the couch. I smiled at her appreciatively. There were no words necessary, for Jane just knew. She was so good at that. _

_"Maura, do you want some coffee? No, coffee is bad, very bad. I'm sorry. Let's have some tea instead." _

_It meant a lot to me that she remembered. She returned to the couch, carrying two mugs. _

_"I'm sorry if it tastes bad. I haven't had much experience of making tea." _

_I gratefully accepted the tea and carefully took a sip. _

_"It's lovely. Thank you, Jane." She just nodded. _

_She then took a sip of her own drink and a look of disgust washed over her face. _

_"Maura! I thought you said it was lovely! That's just nasty!" _

_She abruptly placed her mug onto the coffee table. _

_"It is lovely. Wait, you're drinking tea?" I questioned. _

_"Yes and it's gross!" Jane retorted. _

_"But you hate tea. You drink coffee. Black with far too much sugar." I recalled._

_ "Right, but for the next nine months coffee is off limits." _

_I realised then that she was cutting out coffee for me, as an act of solidarity. _

_"Jane, I appreciate the gesture but you really don't have to-" _

_"I know I don't have to Maura, I want to. I'm here for you. Every step of the way." _

_I began to cry again. I tried to stop but I couldn't. _

_"Hey Maur, it's okay. I didn't mean to make you cry." Jane comforted me again. _

_"It's not you, it's me. Or my hormones to be exact."_

_ I noticed that I had left a trail of mascara on her pristine white shirt. _

_"Take off your shirt" I ordered. _

_"Not this again Maur!" Jane joked. _

_"__Your shirt, it's all damp and covered in my mascara-" _

_"it's fine, really. I've been covered in much worse substances than your tears and mascara." _

_She took my hand in hers and wiped my tears away with her other hand. _

_"Are you ready to take the test?" She questioned. _

_I nodded and replied "It's not like I need time to study for it!" _

_She laughed at this and I did too. _

_"Look at you making a joke! I knew you had it in you!" Jane added proudly. _

_She handed me the box of tests and I took them into the bathroom. _

_"I'll be right outside if you need me." Jane called behind me._

Jane kept her promise, as she always did. She accompanied me to every appointment, she helped me tell Jack and was there to offer support when he rebuffed me. She really was amazing. She still is. I've realised now that I did not tell her that enough. Now it may be too late.

_One day, we were sitting at the counter in my kitchen, drinking yet another cup of tea. I always loved moments like that; just me and Jane, no work, no stress, just two people spending time together and enjoying each other's company. _

_"I still can't believe how quickly my pregnancy has progressed! It feels like only yesterday I was sitting in your car when you told me I was pregnant!"__I mentioned as I affectionately stroked my distended abdomen. _

_"I know! Who knew your twenty week appointment would come around so quickly! Are you excited? I know I would be." Jane added sadly. _

_Initially, Jane would offer me helpful advice she had picked up during her pregnancy. Now, we were equal, both learning as we go along. _

_"I am excited; I can't wait to find out whether this baby is a girl or a boy. Not that it matters to me. I just want this baby to be healthy. I'm sorry Jane. I know this must be hard for you and I really do appreciate you doing this with me." _

_I didn't want to cause Jane any more upset but it was important that she knew I understood and was there for her if she ever wanted to talk. _

_"It's not your fault Maur. I will always be there for you, day or night. Thank you for letting me be there for you." _

_Jane's reply raised more questions than it answered. She was doing me a favour, why was she thanking me? _

_As if she could read my mind, Jane explained "Since I lost my baby, I've longed to do all of these things, to have a little family like yours." _

_Jane's confession broke my heart. It must have been so difficult for her, trying to be happy for me, to be there for me whilst she had lost everything. Jane Rizzoli has such a big heart (metaphorically speaking of course), she is so selfless and loyal. _

_"You do Jane." I stated with absolute certainty. _

_"You are a member of this family and we are so fortunate to have you." _

_I meant every word. My baby and I were lucky to have her. They say that blood is thicker than water, but I disagree. Biologically speaking, Jane is not family but there is so much more to it than just DNA. I don't know who initiated the embrace, however I do know that it was exactly what we needed. _

_Jane broke away from me saying "Come on Maur, we don't want to be late for your appointment. I know you like to be early for these things." _

_I flashed a bright smile and collected my things. _

_This was it. This is what it truly meant to be happy._

I remember vividly that moment of sheer joy. I know now that moments pass, that happiness is short-lived and that life turns on a dime. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

"_Placenta previa? What the hell does that mean?" Jane asked aggressively. _

_"It means that the placenta is lying too low in my uterus and covering my cervix. It means that there could be complications and even premature delivery." I stated matter-of-factly._

_ I felt numb. This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Just moments earlier I was so unbelievably happy and now everything was going wrong. We drove home in silence, both overwhelmed by what we'd just been told and both unsure of what to say to each other. We walked inside, still not saying anything but needing to say something. Jane was the first to break the silence. _

_"It's going to be okay Maur. Nothing is going to happen to you or your baby, because… because I won't let it. I know you, and I know that you are probably thinking about Murphy's Law" _

_And she was right, I was. If anything bad can happen, it probably will._

_ "but you can't think like that Maur. You are not most people, you are special. You deserve to be happy. There isn't anyone more deserving than you. You are the kindest, sweetest, smartest genius I know and you definitely don't deserve all this crap." She sniffled, her eyes glistening with unshed tears._

_ The pain I felt was unbearable, but it was even worse seeing Jane hurting too. I did not like to be hugged when I was very upset, but at that moment I decided to make an exception. I needed Jane and she needed me. I hugged her tightly and she hugged me tightly in return. Before I could even think about what I was saying, words slipped from my lips._

_ "I know I was scared at first, I still am, but I want this baby. I can't lose my baby, Jane."_

_ "I know Maur, I know. You have been through so much and you will get through this. She is a fighter, just like you."_

_ Jane gestured towards my abdomen and as she did, I felt it. The most amazing feeling I have ever felt; I felt my daughter kick for the first time. Almost as if she was letting me know that Jane was right, that she was a fighter. Without words, I grabbed Jane's hand and placed it on my abdomen._

_ "She's kicking? She's kicking! This is amazing Maura!" Jane exclaimed._

_ I realised then, that even on the worst days, there's still a possibility for joy. _

I was so excited for my daughter's arrival, yet the very thought terrified me. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms and know that she was safe. I took early maternity leave. I loved my job, but I loved her more. A few days after my twenty week scan, and the diagnosis of placenta previa, Jane moved in with me. It didn't seem that different as we would spend so much time together anyway, but I did feel so much safer knowing that she would be there when things went wrong. And she was.

_I was sleeping soundly until I was awoken by an excruciating pain, radiating from my abdomen. I recognised the severity of the situation. I called out to Jane who immediately rushed into my bedroom._

_ "Maura, what's wrong? Oh my god, Maura…" _

_I followed her gaze. There was blood, so much blood._

_ "Maura, can you walk? We need to go to the hospital, right now. I'll drive, it will be much quicker than waiting for an ambulance." _

I don't remember the drive, or even arriving at the hospital. I just remember lying on a bed, this bed, recalling the events that led up to this moment. I am aware that there is a commotion going on around me but I am too distracted, too heartbroken to notice. I realise that this moment, is the moment my whole world will collapse. All too suddenly, everything I know, everything I love has irrevocably changed. As the world around me begins to fade into darkness, all I can do is hope that this is not where my story ends.


	2. Jane's Story

**Author's Note: ****: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, review, follow or favourite 'My Story.' I would also like to apologise for taking such a long time to update... I really struggled with this chapter and have re-written it so many times! I really appreciate all of your support and can only hope that the following chapter will live up to your expectations! **

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><p>I can't remember the last time I was in a chapel. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I said a prayer. In my line of work, it's hard to have faith; you see innocent people murdered, you lose colleagues, friends and face your own mortality on a daily basis. I'm here because I don't know what else to do and I want to be able to tell Maura that I did everything I could.<p>

"God, if you're up there and listening to me, I just want you to know that you have a sick sense of humour. First Frost, then the baby – my baby, and now _this_? This isn't fair. I get it. I was an idiot and would've been a terrible mother. I shouldn't have put my job before my kid, but I did and I can't take that back. I deserve to be punished for that but Maura hasn't done anything wrong. She is a good person and she'd be an amazing mom. It get it – it sucks that people are always asking you for things and never giving anything back. Maura has saved me more times than I can count… And would care to admit. There has to be a miracle left for her. Please, please don't take her from me. Don't take her baby from her."

I heard the door open and then footsteps behind me. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and for a brief moment I thought it was Maura. I know it was crazy, but I really wanted it to be her.

"Janie, what happened? How's Maura?"

"I don't know, ma. I don't know."

"_Maura, can you walk? We need to go to the hospital, right now. I'll drive, it'll be much quicker than waiting for an ambulance."_

_I could see the fear burning in her eyes. Those beautiful hazel orbs, usually so full of love and light. She was so terrified and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make it better, to make her better. I have never felt so useless or helpless in my life. I scooped Maura up and she gently placed one arm over my shoulder, whilst the other cradled her stomach. She would be an amazing mother. She already is. If only she would just get the chance to prove it to herself._

"_It's going to be okay Maur. You're going to be okay. Everything is going to be just fine, you'll see." I desperately repeated over and over again. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince more, her or me._

_I lowered Maura onto the passenger seat. She felt like a china doll, so fragile and so perfect. She was perfect. I wish I'd told her that. Snapping myself out of whatever trance I was in, I quickly buckled her seat belt. I rushed around to the driver's seat, hopped in the car and just drove. _

_My eyes darted back and forth from the road to Maura. Her eyes were growing heavier and she was so pale. I accelerated again. I was way over the limit but I didn't care; all I cared about was Maura, the baby and getting them both to the hospital. _

"_Stay with me Maur. Please, just stay with me." I chanted._

_Within minutes we were outside the hospital. I parked the car by the entrance and leapt from the vehicle. I ran to Maura and scooped her up once more. This time, she didn't move. Her body was limp and lifeless. _

_I barged through the automatic doors, frantically calling for help and spouting details about Maura, the baby and the placenta previa. Maura, my Maura, was torn from my grasp and placed on a gurney. _

"_Where are you taking her? I'm not leaving her. I promised to never leave her!"_

"I let them take her. I failed her." I couldn't fight it anymore. I couldn't fight the pain or the tears. I had let Maura down when she needed me the most.

"Janie, you did the right thing. The doctors are taking care of her because of you. You brought her to them. You could never fail Maura. Everything you do is for her and that baby. She would be devastated if she could hear you talking like that."

Ma was right. I hate it when she's right.

"I can't lose her ma. I can't lose my best friend." There was so much I wanted to say but I just couldn't get the words out.

"I know baby, I know."

Ma pulled me close and just held me. As much as I hate to admit it, I needed that.

We stayed like that for hours, waiting to hear something, anything. No news is good news, right?

"Detective Rizzoli?"

I jumped to my feet and turned to face the doctor. I felt a lump in my throat, a knot in my stomach and great pain searing through my heart. This was it.

"How's Maura? Is the baby okay? Please just tell me they're okay."

I looked into the doctor's steel blue eyes, desperately trying to get a read on him. I couldn't discern his solemn expression but I knew whatever he had to say wasn't good.


	3. Our Story

"Please take a seat ma'am."

"I don't want to sit! And do I look like a ma'am to you? Don't answer that. That woman over there, you can call her ma'am –"

"Jane, please. He's just doing his job." Ma interrupted.

Although I hate it when people interrupt me, I'm glad she did. I was angry and hurt and I let the little things get to me. This man was only trying to do his job. He had done everything he could for Maura and I yelled at him.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I explained as I ran my fingers through my hair.

I took a seat at the pew. The doctor was right, I should probably sit for this.

"Please continue, doctor." I begged.

The doctor let out a long sigh. It was hardly reassuring. Ma took my hand and squeezed it. She loved Maura like she was her own, she was hurting too (and she _didn't_ yell at the doctor).

"Maura lost a lot of blood –" the doctor began.

Oh god. I felt like I was gonna hurl.

"We had to perform an emergency C-section. The baby had a little trouble breathing at first and she had to be taken to the NICU."

"Is she okay?" Ma asked, her voice loaded with desperation.

"She's stable now. You can go and visit her if you'd like." The doctor gave a small, sad smile.

I was overwhelmed with relief. The baby was alive. I always knew she was a fighter, just like her mom.

Oh god, Maura.

"Did… Is… How's Maura doing? When can I see her?" I stuttered. I didn't know what questions to ask or if I wanted to know the answers.

* * *

><p>Everything was a blur. One minute I was in the chapel and the next, I was sitting next to Maura. She was unconscious but alive. I spent the next four days at her bedside making her cups of tea. I don't know why I did it; I knew she couldn't drink them but I don't know, I guess I just hoped it would be an incentive for her to wake up. Maybe I should have been pouring glasses of wine instead.<p>

_"Janie, you should go home, get some rest and take a shower – "_

_"I'm not leaving her, ma. Not again."_

_"And there is nothing I can say or do to get you to change your mind?"_

_"No ma. Not this time."_

_"Okay but call me if you need anything. I mean it Jane."_

_"Thanks ma."_

_"I love you baby." Ma said as she kissed my forehead._

_"I love you too, ma."_

_Once my mother had left, I reached for Maura's hand._

_"I know what you're thinking. I can hear you saying 'go home Jane, I'll be fine.' And you said I was bossy! You're in a coma and still telling me what to do, and I'm bossy!"_

_I looked at Maura, looking for any kind of movement. Nothing._

_"But seriously Maur, I'm not going anywhere. I'd rather have one bad day with you than a hundred good days with anyone else, because no one could compare to you. I need you Maura. Your daughter needs you. I hate the thought of you not being in my life and I hate the thought of you not being in her's."_

One day, I was sitting in the chair beside Maura's bed. I was holding the baby and I just felt so sad. It should have been Maura holding her. She should know who her mother is.

I cleared my throat and began to tell a story, our story.

"So when you're a girl doing buy/bust, you've gotta be a hooker. It's okay though, it was just my cover. So, I don't have any ID, I don't have any money and I'm starving. I argue with Stanley – he owns the café – about having to pay two dollars for a day old donut and bad coffee. I probably shouldn't repeat what I said to him… All you need to know is that it wasn't very nice. Anyway, your mom walks right up to the counter, waving her money. I said to her 'do you mind? You can get your non-fat latte in a minute alright?' And do you know what she said? She said 'no, it's for you.' And a bunch of other stuff about vitamin D deficiency and night work and yogurt with leafy greens. I said some things... and implied that she was rude. I was so mean to her and she was, well, just being your mom. Anyway, I told her 'not every hooker has a heart of gold, alright sister?' Do you know what your mom did next? She looked at me and said -"

"Apparently not, sister."

"Exactly, I've never seen her so sassy! Wait... Maura? Oh my god you're awake!"


	4. A New Beginning

It was almost as if Jane's voice was pulling me back to reality. It was impossible to ignore the raw emotion in her voice.

I felt dazed and nauseous, both of which were common side effects of a general anaesthetic. It took every ounce of strength just to open my eyes. Jane met my gaze, her beautiful brown eyes swelled with tears.

"Jane." It was barely audible but Jane heard me.

"Oh god, Maura. I was so afraid I was gonna lose you. God you scared me."

Jane leaned in towards me and placed a kiss on my forehead. As she pulled away, I noticed that she was holding a baby – my baby.

"Is that her?"

It was a stupid question but still I asked anyway.

"Yeah, this is your daughter."

Jane looked so happy, despite her tear-stained face. After months of eagerly awaiting her arrival, my daughter was finally here. It felt so surreal.

"Is she okay?"

"She's beautiful."

"Are you sure she's okay? Babies born before 37 weeks are far more likely to develop early respiratory problems, jaundice, low blood sugar and have difficulty maintaining a normal body temperature –"

"Maura, look at her. She's perfect."

"But Jane, research suggests that even though near-term babies may look as healthy as full-term infants, they are more likely to have certain medical problems."

"She's incredible, Maur. She was born at 35 weeks, weighing 5 pounds and 2 ounces. She had a little trouble breathing at first so the doctors took her to the NICU, just to make sure she was okay. For someone so tiny, she's incredibly strong." Jane reassured me.

"Can I hold her?"

"Of course you can hold her!"

Jane carefully placed the baby in my arms. I was overwhelmed by the sudden rush of love and adoration. Jane was right, she was so beautiful. She had sparkling blue eyes and soft tufts of blonde hair emerging from underneath her hat. I marvelled at her ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I had seen many babies in my life but she was by far the most remarkable.

"Hi sweet girl. Do you remember me? I'm your mom and I'm going to love you forever."

I was flooded with emotion and my eyes began to fill with tears. Happy tears. I was a mom. I had this whole new life to look after. It felt just like I dreamed it would.

"Um Maur? I should get the doctor –" Jane began to rise but I stopped her.

"No. I just want it to be you and me and the baby for a minute."

Our family was finally complete and I wanted to savour every moment we shared together.

"Okay." Jane smiled and settled back into the armchair.

"She's so perfect." I repeated. It felt like I could utter those words a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough.

"You know, she doesn't have a name yet."

I got so caught up in the moment that I almost forgot. During my pregnancy, a part of me was always afraid to get attached because it would make it even harder if things went wrong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but imagine what she would look like and what her name would be.

"Rosalind, after Rosalind Franklin."

I looked at Jane, seeking her approval. I saw her purse her lips and furrow her brow. I knew Jane well enough to know what that meant.

"What? You don't like it, do you? I thought it was a lovely name."

I tried not to sound too deflated. I really did like the name but Jane's input also meant a lot to me.

"Oh it is a lovely name… For your grandmother!"

Typical.

"My grandmother wasn't called Rosalind." I stated matter-of-factly.

"That's not what I meant, Maur. What I was trying to say is that she's only a baby and Rosalind, well, sounds old lady-ish."

"Oh. I understand. I just wanted to give her a name that she could live up to. Rosalind Franklin was a brilliant scientist. Her work paved the way for the discovery of the structure of DNA. I wanted to give my daughter something to aspire to."

"How about Rosa? It's short for Rosalind."

"It also means rose in Latin."

"I think it suits her. She's beautiful and delicate, just like a rose."

"Rosa Jane Isles. It's perfect."

"Her middle name is Jane?"

I couldn't understand why Jane sounded so surprised.

"What else would it be? You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met and there is no one else to whom I would trust my child more."

"Really?" Jane queried as she smiled softly.

I nodded and couldn't help but smile back. She looked at me and shook her head. I realised that she too was trying to hold back tears.


	5. The Middle: Part One

I'm sorry for the slow update... I've been suffering from a serious case of writer's block. I promise that the story will progress a lot faster from now on!

Once again, flashbacks are in italics.

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><p>It's funny how quickly time goes by, moments pass and people change. One day you're planning for someday and then, before you know it, someday is today and then someday becomes yesterday. On this day, four years ago, my life was forever changed. Some changes were good, others were not. Time has a way of bringing people together, making them closer than before. While sending others on great journeys of discovery, both physical and spiritual.<p>

"Morning mommy."

I felt a light tapping on my shoulders, willing me to wake up. I opened my eyes to see two big blue ones staring back at me. I blinked, my vision was still clouded from sleep. In a moment of clarity, I saw my daughter. This amazing, extraordinary, perfect being that is the sum total of every moment I've ever experienced. There have been moments of sheer joy and unimaginable suffering, but ultimately, I wouldn't take any of them back. Not a single one, for they gave me the greatest gift of all, her.

"Good morning baby."

I couldn't help the smile that swept across my lips. I pulled back the quilt and Rosa snuggled in close beside me. I placed a soft kiss upon her forehead and brushed away a honey blonde curl from her face. She looked at me, with a look of love and adoration that made my heart melt.

"Mommy, it's my birthday today." Rosa's eyes lit up and she looked at me expectantly.

"It is?" I teased. Of course I knew it was her birthday. How could I possibly forget the single greatest day of my life?

"U-huh!" Rosa nodded excitedly.

"And how old are you today, Miss Rosa? You must be pretty old now, huh?"

She looked at me, crinkled her eyes and pursed her lips, a strong indication of concentration. She looks just like me when she does that. She took her left hand and began to count on her fingers.

"I'm only four, silly!" She laughed and shook her head at me.

"Happy birthday, baby." I pressed the tip of my nose against hers and gave her an eskimo kiss.

"I'm not a baby anymore, mommy. I am a big girl now. I can even tie my big girl shoes _all _by myself!" She exclaimed proudly.

"Is that so? Well then, I guess you're too big for bunny pancakes –"

"Well, I'm not grown_ just_ yet… I'm just… bigger than I was last year!"

I couldn't help but chuckle. She was definitely my daughter! I began to tickle her and we erupted into fits of giggles. Once the giggles stopped, Rosa looked at me seriously.

"Mommy? I can still have bunny pancakes, can't I?" There was a sense of unmistakable concern in her voice.

"Of course you can, silly!" I beamed.

Rosa smiled and jumped off the bed.

"Come on mommy! I'm hungry!" Rosa called as she ran towards the kitchen.

I sat there for a moment and collected my thoughts. I was so lucky, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.

"Coming!" I replied.

Moments later, Rosa and I were in the kitchen. I had decorated the room with banners and pink balloons after Rosa went to bed. I wanted everything to be perfect.

"_Wow_" Rosa exclaimed.

She bundled towards me, her arms outstretched. In return, I knelt down and engulfed her in a warm embrace.

"Thank you mommy! I love you." She muttered into my neck.

"I love you too, sweetie." I smoothed her silky blonde curls and turned to kiss her.

After Rosa had eaten her bunny pancakes, I started to wash the dishes. My back was turned but I could hear Rosa rise from the table.

"Mommy?" Rosa asked quietly.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

I turned around, still clutching the tea towel. Immediately I saw what Rosa was looking at. Her gaze was firmly fixed on a photograph of Jane and me.

"Will Aunt Jane be at my birthday party?" Rosa asked hopefully. It broke my heart.

"No sweetie, she won't." I explained sadly.

"Maybe next year." Rosa added dejectedly.

"But listen… Daddy and Allie will be there and so will Nanny Angela, Uncle Frankie, Uncle Tommy and T.J. It's going to be a great party." I tried to cheer Rosa up.

"I know." Rosa acknowledged but she still sounded deflated.

I placed the tea towel on the counter and moved towards her. I knelt down in front of her and took hold of her hands.

"_Maura, we need to talk." Jane's calm tone greatly contradicted her grave expression._

"_What's wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that."_

"_I've been reassigned, Maura."_

"_What? When?" _

"_Cavanaugh just told me. They want me to be an agent."_

"_Jane, that's fantastic. You've worked so hard for this, you deserve to be recognised."_

"_The job's in D.C. Maura."_

"_Oh."_

"_I want you to come with me."_

"_Jane, I can't."_

"_Maura, you're a genius. You could get a job anywhere you want!"_

"_It's not that simple, Jane. What about Rosa?"_

"_I'm sure there are some excellent schools in D.C. She'll love it there."_

"_It's not just about that. What about Jack? I can't take Rosa away from her father."_

"_What about Jack? What about Jack?! Where was Jack when you found out you were pregnant? Where was he when Rosa was born, hey? I have been right here, every step of the way. I love Rosa, I've been there for her since the day she was born… Which is more than can be said for him! What about me, Maura? I thought we were friends, I thought we were partners."_

"_We are."_

"_I… I…" Jane shook her head, she was clearly distressed. "I have to go."_

"_Jane, wait!"_

"_For what? You're you and I'm me. Nothing will ever change that."_

"_What's that supposed to mean? Jane! "_

_With that, she was gone. Like a shadow in the night. She just got into her car and left. Just like that._

"Aunt Jane loves you very much and she'd give anything to be here with you on your birthday."

I could feel a stinging sensation in my eyes and desperately tried to fight back the tears. I gave Rosa a watery smile and she just nodded.

"Now, I know we usually wait for everyone to get here before you open your presents but I think you deserve to open one now… You are the birthday girl after all." I proposed. It was a rather lame attempt to lighten the mood, but I couldn't think of anything else.

"It's okay, mommy. I can wait."

I couldn't bear to see my little girl so upset, knowing that I couldn't give her what she wanted. Fortunately, Jack burst through the door.

"Where's the birthday girl?!"

"Daddy!" Her beautiful eyes lit up once more.

He scooped Rosa up in his arms and peppered her with kisses.

"Happy birthday, princess."

He gently placed her back on the ground. Despite the difficult start, Jack was a wonderful father. He was just confused and scared. He just wanted to do right by Rosa. We both wanted that.

"Wow! You're getting so big… You must be eating all of your vegetables!"

"Mommy said that I'm going to be tall because it's in my jeans… but that doesn't really make sense because sometimes I wear dresses or skirts."

"I think your mommy means the other kind of genes." Allie chimed in.

"Allie!" Rosa threw her arms around her big sister.

As Allie began to explain the difference between jeans and genes to Rosa, Jack took me to one side.

"I can't believe how big she's gotten!" Jack enthused.

"I know, it's scary how quickly time flies by." I concurred.

"She's incredible, Maura. You're a wonderful mother." He placed his strong hands around my arms.

It meant a lot to hear him say that. For years I have questioned whether or not I made the right decision by staying. I miss Jane terribly. It feels like I'm missing a part of me. In spite of this, I believe I made the right choice for Rosa. Her whole family is here. Well, most of it anyway.

Speaking of family, Angela, Frankie, Tommy and T.J. followed suit. Their love and laughter filled the house. Rosa was in her element.

Angela cast her gaze towards me and I seized the opportunity to talk to her. She followed me, despite the fact that I hadn't had the chance to ask her to yet. We'd had the same routine every year since Rosa's second birthday. Every year I would ask

"Have you heard from Jane?"

And every year Angela would explain that Jane was 'tied up at work', or something like that.

_I was heartbroken. I had just lost my best friend in the whole world. I kept trying to call her, but each time she rejected me. Every time, I told myself that she'd pick up, that this time it would be different. It wasn't. _

_I decided to make one last call. I was grateful that this one did not go unanswered._

"_Hello, it's Maura."_

"_Maura. It's so good to hear from you. I've missed you."_

"_It's good to hear from you too, Angela. I wasn't sure if Jane would want you to talk to me and so I kept my distance. I didn't want to force you to choose between us. It's just so hard. I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost my family too and I don't know what to do without you. I miss you all and I'm worried about Jane. We had a fight and she just left. It's been over two weeks. We've never gone this long without speaking to each other and I just don't know what to do –"_

_I completely broke down. I was too tired to fight anymore. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough without Jane._

"_Maura, can I come over?"_

"_That would be wonderful. Thank you, Angela."_

"_It's no trouble at all. See you soon."_

"_Goodbye Angela."_

_After Jane left, Angela moved into her condo. She told me it was because she wanted somewhere of her own to call home, but I thought it was because Jane had asked her to stay away from me. The last time Jane and I had a fight, poor Angela got caught in the middle and I didn't want that to happen again._

_Angela arrived no more than ten minutes later. As soon as I opened the door, she hugged me. She hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe, but within her embrace, I felt safe. We both cried. I cried so much that my head ached, almost as much as my heart. Angela released me and we retired to the couch. I was in such a state that all hospitality went out the window; I don't think I even offered Angela a drink. _

"_Maura, I just want you to know that you're like a daughter to me. No matter what happens between you and Jane, that's not going to change. I need you to know that." _

_She took my hand and gently squeezed it, emphasising that she wasn't going anywhere. That I hadn't lost her._

"_You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that. Rosa and I have really missed you."_

_I blinked back fresh tears. There was so much I wanted to say, I just couldn't find the words. Angela offered me a sad smile and squeezed my hand once more._

"_Angela? I know Jane doesn't want to talk to me right now but please can you pass on a message to her?"_

"_Of course I can."_

"_Please just tell her that I'm sorry and I miss her. I understand that she's angry and hurt and needs time but I need her to come back to me. If she cares about me, or Rosa at all, tell her to come to Rosa's first birthday party. I want my daughter to know her brave and strong and badass Aunt Jane."_

Jane never came.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for Angela, to only hear from her daughter every once in a while. She has only been to visit Jane a handful of times since she moved away. Jane was always too busy working. I guess it was just too painful for her. It probably reminded her of the life she left behind.

"She's stuck at work. You know Jane –"

"Actually, I'm not sure I do. The Jane I knew would have come home already."

"I have faith that she'll come home, Maura. She just got lost somewhere along the way."

"I don't mean to be rude, Angela, but it's been three years, one month and two days. She's not coming back." Just saying those words cut through me like a scalpel.

Suddenly I felt a gentle tug on my skirt.

"Mommy!"

"Hi sweetie! Are you having a good birthday?"

"Yes, but it would be even better if I could open my presents and eat cake!"

Damn it. I was so caught up in the Jane drama that I completely forgot about the little girl who was waiting for me in the other room.

Everyone sat at the table, whilst I turned out the lights and brought Rosa her birthday cake. The group provided an interesting rendition of 'Happy Birthday'.

"Don't forget to make a wish"

She thought for a moment and then began to blow out the candles.

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

Before Rosa had a chance to argue, there was a knock at the door.

"It came true! My wish came true!" Rosa jumped down from her seat and ran to the door.

I ran after her. As soon as she opened the door, we were greeted by a tall, raven-haired stranger.

"Aunt Jane! You came!"

Angela rose from her seat, it appeared that my confusion was mirrored on her features. Jane was back. After all this time, Jane was finally home.

I was so unsure of how to feel. I was thrilled and furious, all at the same time.

* * *

><p>I know Jane's behaviour may seem a little out of character but please trust me, it will all make sense soon!<p> 


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